And Stars, Ringed
a. I know there’s already a general “blah” and “no good!” attitude against people who post thinspo, but I’m getting to that point where I recognize that looking at any pictures of anybody else is no good for me, even if it is labeled as “fitspo” and is a picture of some muscly woman lifting weights. It messes with my head, and I am unfollowing people...
Woman: Can I have birth control?
Woman: I got pregnant because I didn't have birth control and I don't want the fetus. Can I have an abortion?
Woman: I gave birth to my child but since I wasn't expecting it, I can't afford daycare. Can I have help paying for it?
Woman: My boyfriend isn't excited about sex anymore, because I lost my figure due to pregnancy. Will you pay for his erectile dysfunction pills?
Things I think about when I'm throwing up
And this morning I threw up not because of my fucked-up mental disorders, but because I got completely and utterly wasted last night. And enjoyed myself. That acid in your throat—leaning over the toilet seat, I’m heaving, and it’s so painful and yet so familiar, and all I can think is: “This is a liquid with a pH of about 2.0 coming up my esophagus, which is why it hurts...
I whip my hair back and forth
a. I’m obsessed with my hair, ever since half of it fell out over the summer. I stroke it, I refuse to brush it (because looking at the few hairs in the brush still makes me panic), every morning I check to make sure it’s still there, it’s still as voluminous as it was yesterday, etc. etc. b. When I’m feeling especially shitty I look in the mirror and the first thoughts...
Passion / after the battle
a. Age: I feel like in just a few short years, I have become older, stiffer, less willing to try new things, to open up, to put myself out there and reach for something different. This is all fear. b. Telling all the different therapists, psychiatrists, doctors about my issues has become one repetitive litany, over and over and over, and I feel like at this point I could write down exactly what...
I've got my red dress on tonight / dancing in the...
a. My thighs are just too big. b. This conundrum of needing to eat as little as possible, and knowing at the same time that I must have enough carbs for my upcoming races, it wears away at me, and every item of food I look at, I am judging and deciding and not deciding and getting tired. c. Have you ever “hit the wall”? It’s an expression used to describe that moment when your...
Fueling up for race day tomorrow
Protein drink 1/4 cup fiber one cereal Chicken pesto penne Frozen yogurt w/ oreos, mochi, almonds Alfredo pasta w/ half avocado Pecans with chocolate chips Thin slice of blood orange cake. a. Eating so much makes me just as anxious as I am when I’m focused on eating as little as possible. I’ve done races before with 0 carbs, and it has turned out disastrously. I know I need to carb...
scientist: the average person spends 18 hours online per week.
me: you mean per day
Tonight we are young / So set the world on fire
a. Had a therapist appointment this morning after practice. I was exhausted from too little sleep and yes, I acknowledge, having had only 100 calories for breakfast (protein shake) after a weights + cardio workout. b. I’m supposed to track my moods and anxieties related to my eating disorder. I really don’t know what I expected from therapy. I know what I want: a magic spell to make...
This is what makes us girls
Sometimes, I’m looking at food, and I feel this absolutely uncontrollable panic and urge to eat, eat, eat, because if I don’t eat it now, it won’t be there later, and I’ll starve like before, so I need to eat as much as possible, right now, right here, keep eating— And I take a breath And I just mentally grab my chin, shake it, and say YOU NEED TO CALM THE FUCK...
dirklalonde: homoerotics: I’M NOT OKAY WITH CHRIS BROWN PERFORMING AT THE GRAMMYS AND I’M NOT SURE WHY YOU ARE Read More I remember when this news broke, and remarking to my boyfriend at the time (now ex) that “Chris Brown’s career is over. I can’t imagine ever hearing another Chris Brown single on the radio again.” My boyfriend was dubious. I guess he was (very...
Take me away / I wear my heart on my sleeve
a. I can’t wait to work out tomorrow morning. b. I can’t wait for my stomach to get just a little bit smaller. c. Looking back on the weeks I am amazed at how fast this winter has gone, how much work I’ve done, how it both flies by and sticks with me second-by-second. d. The one friend I’ve confided to about my anorexia is so understanding and open-minded; I...
MR. HIGGINSON,—Are you too deeply occupied to say if my verse is alive? ...– Emily Dickinson’s first letter to Thomas Wentworth Higginson of The Atlantic Monthly, in April 1862.
1. Go through your piece and flip the gender of your descriptive phrases’...– Maura Johnston, “How Not to Write About Female Musicians: A Handy Guide,” fuck yeah. (via judyxberman) —Jessica H. (via rookiemag)
Very intense workout this morning. It was a combo of cardio/very fast weights sort of thing for about 45 minutes. Erging (an erg is a rowing machine) 250 meters, jumping off and doing 30 of some weights or cardio exercise (i.e. box jumps, push-ups, complete sit-ups, squats w/ 45lb bar, cleared thrusts, etc.) and then erging another 250 meters, then doing another weight/cardio exercise, etc. etc. ...